I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
