My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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