it's not cheating when I paid for it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
