I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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