our cab driver is having phone sex.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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