spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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