Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
