I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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