I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
