broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
