Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
