Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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