When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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