I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
