If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
