so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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