You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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