Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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