I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
