I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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