I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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