Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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