party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
