Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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