note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
