Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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