Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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