Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
