Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
there is puke in my bra ... again
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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