A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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