She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize