So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
