If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
