What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
