You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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