Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
