I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize