Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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