in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
