I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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