I am spending my child support on dildos
He kissed a someone with a penis
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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