you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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