nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
