Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
