WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
