take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
