You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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