The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
