I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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