I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
