She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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