Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm getting married
To pizza
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
