god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
