I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
