I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
