They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
