I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
