Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
