You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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