There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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