Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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