how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
