I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
