This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
